i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
