if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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