Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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