I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
