I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
