she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
