at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
