if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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