never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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