"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
