I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
