She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
