Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
