I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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