wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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