My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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