Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
