whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
