Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
