do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
last night I used snow as a chaser
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
