I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
