u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
