how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
