you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
