he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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