i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
