Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
