Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize