Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
