you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
