If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
