i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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