New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
