this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
