You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
