A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
