i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
