The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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