its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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