im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she told me i tasted like america
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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