If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize