im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
