I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
