She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
