Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
