don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
