You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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