this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
