Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize