I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
