This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
