I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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