I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
