Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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