from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
