Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
