I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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