Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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