The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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