Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
