I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm having to shit out rocks
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize