so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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