This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
