tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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