Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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