My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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