i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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