Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
