Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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