haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
