how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
