Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
