anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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